Hey Marissa! Your first AP Prompt essay was very, very understandable and well-written. There are only a few small things I want to comment on. The first is that I think you could have had a slightly stronger thesis – maybe by stating what are the things that make the opening scene of “The Burgess Boys,” as you said, “more than that.” Just clarify what is “that” in your thesis itself, so you have an even stronger foundation for the rest of your essay, and it is more organized for a reader (who has probably never read your book) to follow.
Also, there are just a few nuances I wanted to mention. I think that the sentence “The first line expresses the culture of Small Town Maine” should actually be the first sentence of your first body paragraph, since it is more of a topic sentence, rather than at the end of your introductory paragraph, because then it kind of dilutes your thesis. For instance, at the end of your first paragraph, maybe you could state/restate what exactly the mother’s “world view,” so that there is a better understanding of how the first line of the book actually does in fact address it.
Hey Marissa! Your first AP Prompt essay was very, very understandable and well-written. There are only a few small things I want to comment on. The first is that I think you could have had a slightly stronger thesis – maybe by stating what are the things that make the opening scene of “The Burgess Boys,” as you said, “more than that.” Just clarify what is “that” in your thesis itself, so you have an even stronger foundation for the rest of your essay, and it is more organized for a reader (who has probably never read your book) to follow.
ReplyDeleteAlso, there are just a few nuances I wanted to mention. I think that the sentence “The first line expresses the culture of Small Town Maine” should actually be the first sentence of your first body paragraph, since it is more of a topic sentence, rather than at the end of your introductory paragraph, because then it kind of dilutes your thesis. For instance, at the end of your first paragraph, maybe you could state/restate what exactly the mother’s “world view,” so that there is a better understanding of how the first line of the book actually does in fact address it.
Overall, awesome job!